REVIEW: “Boundary Boss” By Terri Cole

This is less of a formal review and more of a thank you note for what Terri Cole put in the opening pages of her book, Boundary Boss: The Essential Guide to Talk True, Be Seen, and (Finally) Live Free.

A few years ago, I needed to hear something like this. I had a therapist telling it to me, and I needed another source. Sometimes that’s how life works. People can say one thing, but you just need it presented in another light for it all to “click.” Terri Cole helped make it click. That’s why I’m doing this review. 

Also, I have to shout out Ryan Holiday, because if he hadn’t had her on his podcast, I never would have stumbled across this. I talked about it at the time. I’m talking about it again now. 

I’m here to argue that the most important part of Terri Cole’s excellent book written for people who struggle with maintaining personal and/or professional boundaries is her “Boundary Boss Bill of Rights.”

(Re)written here without permission, but with the confidence that some of you will seek out her book, let’s hope that’s a good enough reason to write this out:

1. You have the right to say no (or yes) to others without feeling guilty. 

2. You have the right to make mistakes, to course correct, or change your mind. 

3. You have the right to negotiate for your preferences, desires, and needs. 

4. You have the right to express and honor all of your feelings, if you so choose. 

5. You have the right to voice your opinion even if others disagree. 

6. You have the right to be treated with respect, consideration, and care. 

7. You have the right to determine who has the privilege of being in your life. 

8. You have the right to communicate your boundaries, limits, and deal-breakers. 

9. You have the right to prioritize your self-care without feeling selfish. 

10. You have the right to talk true, be seen, and live free. 

Print it, put it on a poster to sell at Target, write it in crayon and on spare printer paper and pushpin it to your wall. If you need the reminders, this list has them. And no, this is not my normal style, but this really cut through to me when I read it. It made me think “Yes. I’d like that. I’d like to feel like I have these rights.”  

For starters, I hadn’t considered a boundary as a literal border. As a wall that lets stuff in and keeps other things out. A permeable membrane that I could control, maybe not everything that passes through, but what to do with it, and how to structure and calibrate it over time. 

It forced me to think about the market for ideas and rules around the boundary. Repeat attempts to break across. Repeat attempts to let people or ideas or scheduling widgets in. How some experimentation matters but some rules have to be rules. 

And I have to come back to this list. I have to keep reviewing it. Maintaining requires maintenance. Most importantly, I want to keep doing this work. I genuinely want to keep reviewing it because I remember how it felt when I wasn’t doing any maintenance.

Here’s a look into my mid-2024 review: 

1. I still feel guilty when I say no. I need the reminder it’s OK. I need the “making something for everyone is making something for no one” reminder. That includes my time. Which really is finite

2. I make lots of mistakes. At work, at home, on dog walks, don’t make me continue or this post will never end. Life is consecutive, but the sequence going forward can be corrective. 

3. Negotiate, extra Chris Voss, for yourself. Bargain, barter, engage in communication – why is that hard? I don’t know. It just is for. 

4. I have trouble feeling my feeling sometimes. I’m self-aware enough to know I’m unaware. I’m working on this, and I know I need to improve it, without being crushed by the anxiety. 

5. The whole “main character energy” idea is interesting here. I’m pretty good at voicing my opinion, except for under certain circumstances. I’m improving but it’s funny how fast you can fall out of character, relative to how quickly you can step into one. 

6. Aretha over Otis, but R-E-S-P-E-C-T for the win. I’ve gotten much better at just walking away when I’m not treated with respect. It’s not worth engaging anymore if you can’t achieve that basic step. Which ties to…

7. You earn the right to be in my life. I didn’t understand this, at all, previously. And it means I earn the right to be in your life (or inbox, or YouTube feed, or whatever too). The point is, it’s a privilege, and it comes back to respect. 

8. Saying “this is the line” and the actions of holding the line are linked. But you have the right to do whatever you need to do, respectfully, with regard to your boundaries, limits, and deal-breakers. 

9. OK, I know I have the right to prioritize me, but have you seen my inbox, call-backs, pile of texts, comments, and… yes. I know. This is a big one in why I have my phone on silent the majority of the non-working hours these days. My sanity requires avoiding the trigger. 

10. Well, how was this for true talk? 

If you struggle with boundaries, you need to find the resources that help you, figure it out. 

Different strokes for different folks = different words for different nerds. 

Terri Cole was for me, hopefully she’s for some of you too and this helps. This list is only the beginning. The rest of the book delivers too, page after page, chapter after chapter, in nuanced detail.

Terri, wherever you are, thank you.

ps. Here’s a video review I’m putting on YouTube too. Take it in, share it if you know somebody it could help.