For years, I've been connecting with interesting people and documenting insights that might help my clients and myself. What was once private is now (mostly) public.
People often ask: "How do you know all these people?" and "How do you connect these (re: random) ideas?" The answer is simple: consistent relationship cultivation and thoughtful note taking. My north star is trusting my instincts, my maps are the constellations in these reflections.
This approach to multidisciplinary networking has helped dozens of clients, colleagues, and friends strengthen their networks and unlock new opportunities. Feel free to steal these ideas directly - that's what they're for! I can't promise you'll learn FROM me, but I guarantee you can learn something WITH me. Let's go. Count it off: 1-2-3-4!
Introducing... Ashley Quamme!
Do you know Ashley Quamme? She's the founder of Beyond the Plan, a marriage and family therapist by training, and the host of the Planning & Beyond podcast.
If not, allow me to introduce you. After roughly 15 years in mental health, Ashley crossed over into financial services, where she now helps advisors with the language they use with clients - from speaking to both partners, to moments of grief, to conflict. Her approach starts with observation and curiosity about the words we all inherit.
I wanted to connect with her because she embodies something I value deeply: the habit of taking ideas that start on the inside and carrying them out into the world, one relational conversation at a time.
Our conversation, with fellow guest Shannon Nutter, is LIVE now on the Just Press Record YouTube channel (and this Cultish Creative Playlist). Listen and you'll hear us dig into the words we use for the same behavior, why curiosity beats reactivity, and what happens when a daughter points out that her mother has a "thinking face."
THREE: That's The Magic Number of Lessons
In the meantime, I wanted to pull THREE KEY LESSONS from my time with Ashley Quamme to share with you (and drop into my Personal Archive).
Read on and you'll find a quote with a lesson and a reflection you can Take to work with you, Bring home with you, and Leave behind with your legacy.
WORK: Say It The Way They Can Hear It
"I think that I've always been a very good observer... When this person says this, it causes this person to react like this or make this facial expression... I knew if I approached conversationally something a certain way with my mom or dad, I would tend to get to go out to that party later that weekend if I framed things, not from a manipulative standpoint, but just like if I framed it this way, like, they're adults, here's what they wanna know. Let me speak to that, and let me speak to it in a non-defensive way, like when they ask questions, so that I can do and get the thing that I want, and then we're all happy."
Key Concept: Ashley's ear for language began as observation. She noticed the same request got a different reaction depending on how it was framed. Her method was to start with what the other person wants to know and speak to that without defensiveness, so everyone leaves happy. That same instinct now shapes how she helps financial advisors choose their words with clients.
Personal Archive Note-To-Self: It's amazing how many people actually figure out the world isn't all about them in high school versus never at all. I like to think Ashley's experience here is the more common of the two, but then again, I'm also amazed more people don't get hit by cars. This is the specialness of being a good observer.
One of the main pieces of advice I give when I find myself in a conversation about careers or what to do next, especially with a young person, is to tell them to pay attention. Hard attention. Attention like you give in middle school when you walk into the cafeteria for the first time (or whatever generational equivalent needs to apply since this isn't quite the same as it was for my generation).
Everything you need to know will show up in how people are behaving towards each other. All you have to do is observe this. It'll take a while to see beyond the surface stuff, but at any new job or in any new situation, take a beat and really watch or listen. Because once you've got a handle on how things are actually working, then you're ready to do what Ashley describes in this quote, and to start navigating this system by communicating your way through it.
Work question for you: Think of a conversation coming up this week. What does the person across the table most want to know, and how could you frame your ask to speak to that?
LIFE: Stay Curious A Little Bit Longer
"During my heyday as a therapist... I would say to one partner or one family member, 'Can you stay curious just a little bit longer?' Just a little bit longer before the sarcasm comes out, before the anger comes out, before the defensiveness comes out... When we're in a curious mind state, usually then we're not in a reactive mind state, emotionally. So we're not feeling defensive, angry. It builds connection with others as opposed to putting up walls, building walls around us. I think curiosity really is your best friend. It's your closest ally, if you choose to use it."
Key Concept: Curiosity works like a pause between a trigger and a reaction. Ashley's years with couples and families taught her that a curious mind has a hard time being reactive, which keeps sarcasm, anger, and defensiveness from taking over. That extra beat is also what builds connection with the other person. Even a small delay changes what the next sentence becomes.
Personal Archive Note-To-Self: Curiosity follows observation in my mind (and, per my flywheel structure), and Ashley's basically explaining why. First you notice something exists, then you notice your own attention to it. It's only after those first two beats, which can come in microseconds, that you're ready to apply that curiosity a little longer as she puts it.
This is creativity in a nutshell. Curiosity is the awareness of the space around the observation. It's the questions that start formulating in your head. Why jump to conclusions when you can ponder?
And, not to ponder forever. This isn't a plea for analysis paralysis, but it is an invitation to remind ourselves that curiosity is your best friend because it's the step where we process our observations and decide what we're going to do with them.
p.s. I have to add in my favorite question, from therapy, that helps me with this in real life: "How am I complicit in creating the things I say I don't want?"
Life Question For You: Where in your life do you tend to react first and get curious second? What would one more beat of curiosity change there?
LEGACY: Same Behavior, Different Word
"My son would tell my daughter... kind of what to do. The word that my mother-in-law... would use is bossy, but she never called him bossy. She would just say, 'He's just got strong opinion. He's not afraid to tell her.'... I remember my daughter, when she started coming more into her own and started speaking back to Cam, my son specifically, I remember my mother-in-law, we were in the car, and she was like, 'Ugh, Abby. She's so bossy.' She and I have a great relationship, and I remember saying, 'Hey, Grandma'... I feel very strongly that we do not characterize or describe Abby's actions as bossy. We don't say that about Cam when he does the same thing. I just think that they both have strong leadership skills... We had this nice conversation, and she was like, 'You're right. Yeah, because I never described my boys as being bossy.'... I just think how much of this becomes ingrained in us from a very young age, even culturally, within our family systems... Teaching women, you are just enough. There's no buts. Just a period."
Key Concept: The words families use for the same behavior quietly teach children who gets to lead. Ashley caught the double standard in real time, with one set of actions called a "strong opinion" in her son and "bossy" in her daughter, and she corrected it with someone she loves, who agreed once she heard it. Language gets ingrained long before the workplace, so the family system is where it starts and where it can change.
Personal Archive Note-To-Self: The generations can help each other out. For all the talk about how we can't talk to each other, this is a perfect example of just how helpful we can be, especially when you take Ashley's mother-in-law's reaction into this answer. Talk about observation and curiosity in practice!
We're talking about communicating and like in this story, it comes down to the words we use. Observing and being curious about words that were just always there, and then figuring out if we should tweak them, even if only slightly.
I told a short version of the story in the conversation but it really is felt here, how we all need people with completely unique perspectives from our own, who can get through to us and help us see a situation differently. Sure, mine was a cool 8th grade girl when I was in 7th grade, but still - using music as a common angle, a simple mixtape opened my brain to stuff your average 13 year old boy just isn't thinking about. Do you remember the 90s tampon safety scare? I do. Because of a tape and a riot grrrl zine from a person in my school who figured out a way to connect with me.
There's a curiosity radar at work here, too. Just like Ashley with her mother-in-law, where she sensed some appreciation for the insight and not just a straight critical reaction, that matters. We can't help offer perspective all of the time (hello widening gyre of our modern political environment, I see you), but if we're observing for any hint of genuine curiosity, these conversations can happen, and they don't just change our lives - think about how Ashley's kids are now growing up.
Legacy question for you: What language are you passing down to the people watching you, and are you using the same words for everyone?
BEFORE YOU GO: Be sure to…
Check out her consulting, speaking, and financial psychology work at Beyond The Plan
Listen to her podcast, Planning & Beyond, where financial planning meets the human side
Explore The Wealthy Marriage, the practice she built
Take a moment to reflect on all these ideas!
You have a Personal Network and a Personal Archive just waiting for you to build them up stronger. Look at your work, look at your life, and look at your legacy - and then, start small in each category. Today it's one person and one reflection. Tomorrow? Who knows what connections you'll create.
Don't forget to click reply/click here and tell me who you're adding to your network and why! Plus, if you already have your own Personal Archive too, let me know, I'm creating a database.
Want more? Find my Personal Archive on CultishCreative.com, watch me build a better Personal Network on the Cultish Creative YouTube channel, and listen to Just Press Record on Spotify or Apple Podcasts, and follow me on social media (LinkedIn and X) - now distributed by Epsilon Theory.
You can also check out my work as Managing Director at Sunpointe, as a host on top investment YouTube channel Excess Returns, and as Senior Editor at Perscient.
ps. AI helped me pull and organize quotes from the transcript, structure the three lessons, and sharpen the Key Concepts. If you're curious about how I use AI while keeping editorial control and my own voice intact, I wrote about my personal rules here: Did AI Do That: Personal Rules
